Some people feel more comfortable in a professional counseling setting than others, but most often friends are the first people that others turn to in times of need. You as a member of the SNU community have a unique position to influence the lives of people here on campus. By no means are faculty, staff, or students expected to provide counseling, but raising our awareness on campus promotes a healthier community overall.

STEP 1: Learn to Listen

One of the greatest gifts we can give to another person is offering to listen to them. Taking time to sit and talk with someone may make the difference between them getting help and giving up. Being a good listener is a skill; here are some helpful suggestions to aid you in becoming one:

• Recognize that the physical setting you are in may make the difference between an open conversation and an awkward one. Making a point to find a less distracting place to talk lets the person know that you care about what they have to say.
• Having good non-verbal listening skills help the person know that you are actively listening to what they are saying. Remember the acronym SOLER:
  - Squarely face the person
  - Open posture
  - Lean forward
  - Eye contact
  - Relax
• Ask open-ended questions instead of ones that can be answered using a simple "yes" or "no." Using words like "how" or "why" promote extended conversation, and also help the person in clarifying exactly what they're trying to say.
• Show the person you understand (or, at least, that you're attempting to do so) by paraphrasing what they just said, rephrasing it into your own words, and reflecting it back to them. Being able to empathetically distinguish what they are feeling and show them that you understand is one of the most potent ways you can acknowledge their point of view in the situation. Properly understanding and interpreting what the other person is saying is key to the helping process.
• Offer honest feedback by sharing your reactions and feelings on the situation without being judgmental. Sometimes it is tempting to say one thing out loud but nonverbally communicate something different - be aware of your body language when you are responding to the other person. It can be helpful to start your feedback with a positive comment. Speak in terms that relate to the entire situation as you see it, sharing how you think and feel about all points of view, and then discuss what you see as possible plans for action and outcomes for those actions.

STEP 2: Create an Open Atmosphere

Create an atmosphere in which the other person will feel free to express their emotions. Often when we perceive someone is feeling depressed saddened, we try to make them feel better by quickly making reassuring statements that everything is "going to be all right." If we move to quickly to do this, however, we may leave the person feeling like they haven't been able to fully express their feelings, or that they should hold back such feelings because they are "too bad." Before people can begin to deal with their feelings fully, they must be able to express them fully. Asking questions like "How did you feel about what happened?" can help them to open up and explore their emotions. Your understanding and supportive presence while they are sorting out their various thoughts and feelings is often more important and effective than any advice or solutions you may offer.

STEP 3: Alternatives and Options

Most people in distress fail to realize that there are typically several options to their problem situation. These may be alternatives that haven't occurred to him or her, or they may be ones the person doesn't want to think about. It can be helpful to lay out all the possible options and rule them out one at a time as you explore them together. Sometimes options that at first seemed unrealistic become more feasible as the person approaches the problem from a more objective point of view.

STEP 4: Make a Plan

This is where you must step aside and allow the other person to take the lead. We as friends may be tempted to encourage a particular solution, but remember that whatever plan of action the person decides upon must make sense to them. Unless the person can commit him- or herself to a specific plan of action, the chance of conclusion coming to the situation is slim.

What if they don't want to change?

It can be very frustrating to you as a friend to see someone you care about in distress but making no effort to change. Perhaps they are hesitant or resistant to change, or maybe you simply feel that you aren't able to help them with this particular problem. Encourage them to seek professional help, such as the Counseling Center here on campus, or another local mental health center. If your friend resists seeking help, please feel free to schedule an appointment for yourself to consult with one of these professionals to get assistance with your own feelings and dealing with your friend in the situation.